let me warm your heart some

© Katya Mills

i died on a bus in a ditch on a mountain
my blood compelled to the ground
in a fountain

i came back
determined

i died when an eagle
plucked me up
in Alaska
and fed me to
children

i came back
defeated

i lived in a cave with a guardian
dragon. passing time
in liquid mineral

i died when a child fell asleep
in your arms. my fairy tale
ending

shut into darkness
placed back between bookends

i came back full of
vengeance

and bled out the nostrils
and eyes. a virus

how else could i live?
you tell me survival
i do what i
must

i know
i'm a nameless
burning atrocity
i know
how i die
on your lips
every day

i come back haunted
undaunted

i died with the death
of the quarantined
child

i died on the breath
of some irrigated
lung

i won't live again!
i swore on your life
we died in a car crash
you and your wife


now crystalline amber poison condensate
i drip from the radiator steam
in the fluttering light
of a dream

awaiting the bloodlines of unknown
future origin. particulate
matter

16th near J. photo by K

i splatter
my art on these walls
like its nothing

as darkest intention
disingenious
crawls
down the
spine like a vine

i died in the heart of a freshly made
widow. fomenting
my next evolution

i come back a cancer
the kind we all live with

i come back a sonic dionysian
boom
watch as i soak up the carpet
your room

then carefully will my way back
into your pores
cut down to half
the half daughters of
whores

taking your fancy
picking your pocket
Sid Vicious and Nancy

i came back the tormented life
i was given. the rain and
the cattle

driven and
driven

i died on a hill. overlooking a pasture
monet with his paintbrush
impressions to capture

i died on a gurgling mute
strangulation
my death living on
sycophant
indignation

i died with no purpose
no heart
and no soul

so that you could live
on just so you
know

memory. untitled

i do remember
loving you
your every strand
unique

how i comb
the deep striations
of our whorling time
we shared

lucky me
and lucky you
enveloped in an unjust world

in our all-stars
walking streets
toenails breaking
stride

in our galaxy groove
we move
some masterpiece
outside the Louvre

tossing snowballs
dear Chicago
winters coldest hell
on earth

laughing through the
blizzard of our monetary
fails
some trickle down to
naught

down Division Street
complete
happy getting
what we
got

tale of me
tailing you
comet scattered bits of light

in my blue jeans
modern match girl
picking up your bits of light
making our
mosaic

clear as glass that's not been
stained
brilliant as
one single night

candlelight
i'm after you
the two of us
i know
you knew

shadows
and the cat

the blizzards wake
a code of silence
staring in our
eyes

oh holy nights of Mazzy
Star and magnum bottles
taste your
tongue

its over now
those days are done
your hands in my back pockets
while i sung

caressing
waves of whispers
flooding fields of broken pavement
paradise

street art. 'comet' -photo by k

i dream of autumn colors
open skies
midwestern
eyes

before the pages
written
read

sharing all our bits of light
the comet tail
our nights in bed

getting what we
get

i proselytize the burning moon
replete in dark sky formals

eclipse us now
and cancel out
our every last
regret

© Katya Mills, 2014

so shall it be

i love you more
i love you more

the words
opened windows
opened the
doors

i love you more
carried on across a breezeway
an old Portland
Oregon

musty Victorian
planted home in the rain
and damp

clouded like a broken
amp

being opened
to air out
all of a sudden

segue

french doors pulled apart
by old american arms
still strong from
a million and one
embraces

Florida room windows
pulled up from seated
faces

i love you more
whistles through the screens

our houses
our bodies

the cataracts slippin'
like contacts out
our eyes

i love you
more        2 see
i love you
      more        2 feel
i love you
more and more

and so
shall it
be

K reads - 'where we go from here'

Original poetry,
spoken word...

memory of a using life. oakland 2012

the dull ache
behind my eyes
in this deadened
room

ima rag doll
i am

a benign tremour
moves
my hand against
me

a blue light
and white
tells
the papered
walls
how to feel

and somewhere
back there
someone's got
so bad

someone's got a blade
and cuttin
up
their arms

i know him
i left him
he pushed me and his
hands into a
mirror

shattered
what was love
or was it?

just a using me
using you

you left me
in this loveless
board and
care

steely-eyed
people talkin
to themselves
and no one
hears

will that be
me? how long
in the
becoming?

bored and careless
days are running
through the
years

down my arms
of sun-scarred wood some
porous lettin
through

the crime and
all the fears

the people turn
away

in this
dark corner
of gods earth

someone raises hell
and hand
and people
turn away

and screams of dreams
the horrors
passin
through

rag doll city
heart of dark
stake and claim
and clawed away

possessive
minded
revolving door

leave me be
some more

find me gone
inside my mind
benign
tremors hold my head

how can i
turn away?

peel back time
peel back the skin
define your days
of dyin

using ways
come back upon us
karma's all i
know

and then my heart
its in my chest
beats out an
ultimatum

your gonna go
you gotta go
please slash and burn
and leave

i see my heart
i feel my heart
i wear it on my
sleeve


© Katya Mills

K © self. home

At home
in the sun

I love my friends
I love my fans
I love my life
I love to write

Nam
Myoho
Renge
Kyo

Xx
Oo

where we go from here

i will go extinct
with you

to a place
no one
sees

afar away so
far away

with you
i know
a place
to go

from land and sea
and chestnut
tree

to timeless honey
amber seeds
grown up in milky
weeds

thrash about
the ankles of
the dagger
trees

in porous ozone
magnifique
of everglades on bended
knees

the wind will turn to
water then

our words need no
translation
there

you braid my hair
i nick your name

in ghostly hollows
full

we harbor not ill
will

we selfless
standing small and
still

talking through our golden
eyes

where smiles wide
formulate
new skies

please!

now don't be
scared

come with me
extinct
you see

we've only just
begun

© Katya Mills

stitching hearts

you threaded the
eye of the
needle

i watched you fail
and fail
again
again

i watched you lick the
thread the
tattered
end

you wanted me
i wanted
you

to thread
my head
with erotic elevating

the time it
bombed
the blood was strong

the pulse so
escalating

i stitched your heart
we had
a start

over and under
under and
over

something like
again
again

something like
creating


© Katya Mills, 2014

flash. reach the beach

a sacrifice
on demand

an edifice
push
into
sand

i dream on sea
i dream on wind

i dream on
dream on
land

© Katya Mills, 2014

immune

The attacking poison would pay dearly. 
She activated her immune response via
subtle movements, CNS defined. 

The battlefield she oversaw,
 expanded over time.

The poison wept in amber waves of  
venom tears, for hours (felt like years). 

For fallen was to be its fate. 
And stained, the back, with civil war. 
Her flesh inscribed and sore.

The platelet ranks advanced some more. 
Expounding all the while, the triumphant cries of war. 
She counted blood cells to her sleep, 
to battle, single file.

The morning came all fog and wet,
 in sheets white where she lay. 
She felt dissension in the ranks, 
cerebral moored in clay.

The immune victorious had taken ground,
 far beyond her reach. 
She could not stop the growing fervor
now burning up her breast. 
Far beyond good and evil, 
comme Nietzsche.

She wrapped her all in white flag sheets,
 to call off her directive.
In streaks red across the spine and limbs, 
her system, unselective. 

The overcompensate immune, 
in hanging heat of noon.

She had to rise above the madness, 
so summoned the divine.
Her salve was god, prayer and rest. 
And irrigation, calamine. 

fire

be careful
when
playing
with words

you
might
    hurt
  some
   one

vas deferens. carried away.

that's a lie
a contraction
predicated by
a lie

a contradiction
fighting
my own
diction

maybe me
poet
wanna
be

should go to get inspired
to the sea
bring jack kerouac
big sur
small wonder
he fell to his death
on the rocks

that's a lie
on the rocks
that's drunk
to the teeth
that's tight
constricted

predictable
something easily
predicted

the one who 'plays'
with words

added to a
peurile
penile
vaginal
flow

masturbatory
that's a lie
'cause after you're done?

find yourself
lonesome
exposed
in the sun

the milky substance
the texture
the scent
this is true

indeed
on paper
true

don't let them say adam
don't let them say eve
don't let them say loins
the butcher turns
blue

write away
right away
while the world outside
waits

that's a lie
Kafka knew
burned all his books


that's a lie plus a
lie plus size
sky

add the earth
let half the wildlife
die

the spermozoa
the egg the
vas deferens

this is true
cause
we all
get
carried
away

don't say white
don't say black
say fifty shades of grey

gray
grey
over
play

bundle it up
under your arm
a mess of sticks
the faggots
for kindle

take them together
walk them out
to the world

watch the pieces drop out
behind you

see yourself in them
the dropouts

horizontal
vertical
thrust
thrust
open
hearted
come
shot

true

© Katya Mills, 2014

Heart Holds A Vacancy

(penned in darker times, 2011)

the Sea
her depths grow out from green
from green to royal blue
Where
all our lies get hot
get salty
Liquidate
into butter
Congeal
into residue
residual
of which


Constitutes the laundry list
of lies
uncommon
picked for
pulled for


Juice
Energy
Extraction


By decree of part-sentients
(part-not)
sworn to secrecy


Whose vows have been
exacted
spoken
logged
attributed
catalogued




the precise configurement
figured
configured
drawn off the slight balance of
good will
accounted

for


then left
here in this courtyard
where touched
touched by the elements

Produce a serum
bottled
capped
guarded
two men to a vial


There a discordance
a shaking of foundations
if the color hits the litmus test
and meets other requirements unknown
(you can tell by the sound)


a hollow tone


The amplification
of which
discards
shucks
throws off
any and all
antagonist untruths


(left brown and dyscolored in the foamy froth)


The purified potion
then drained
hits a shade resembles
goth


The scientists stand
satiate
fatigued
admiring
edge of tide pool...


Truth!
Taken from the scene
from the light
double encrypted
left inaccessible
walled off


Truth!
Like pores
touched by witch hazel
locked behind skin
sealed from the world
and her sin


Truth!
Language is lost
in the crowd
of the avowed



Truth!
Eyes tell of suffering
naked like ankles
bit by geese
scraped on thorns
bleeding until clotted
sometimes

Truth!
found
retrieved then
hidden
until she may be
cloned
replicated



For now
we are left with the same old
same old
caked makeup
meet low-grade rubber


wall ball material
circa '79


smoke trails and
salvage yards

highways
bits of plastic
bits of plaster


just another
man-made disaster


For now
we are left with our scars
on water
steady boiling
until poached


For now


A double-breasted
back-stabbing
On Front Street
by the boardwalk


The perp
vanishes
in a fog of Chat
Room
Twitter

The forensics team drinks coffee
the coffee
sure is bitter


For now
the lies proliferate
canvass our nation


gas consumption fever!
TV vacation!


What once was compromise
now has
no promise


each for his own
all or none
mentality


Long island teas comped
on a corporate spread
for the so-called VIPS
for the pros


Young runaways
expose thighs
to highball bids
much too low...


Is this not enough
exploitation
and suffering?
to pry open
the safe
where collective truths
are stashed?


Until then I will hold
for all the good
people


a vacancy
in my heart
unparalleled...


a love enduring
unequalled
uncommon
and
true


from me
to you

eyes

my eyes were once innocent
now they are hard 
full of what they saw
on these city streets

my eyes were once innocent
then full of confusion

my eyes were confused
angry and young
and scared

my eyes
they were scared
now they are hard
like these city streets

my eyes
they are hard
but they soften
my eyes

my eyes
  they soften
    around truth

tween age emoticon

tween age emoticon
 by Katya Mills

Ima tween age
emoticon
Wearing hand me up
celeron
On my wristwatch laptop
son

Gotta date to comic
con
With my teenage
chaperone
Eating grandmas
toblerone

ima tween age
emoticon
slush rush
succubus

dreamin x game
junkie

THE (REALLY) REAL

Excerpt from K IS SILENT
'people work better when driven insane -vi / ii)'

Heroes. 

That’s what we ought to start calling ourselves. 

Those of us who have sacrificed our sanity, to join the really real. 

Because heroes are the ones who wanna wake up, sunshine, and want you to wake up, too. 

No envy, no coveting nothing. 

No needing of what can be ordinarily supplied, to get them going with their bad selves and into the world that way, all human and scarred, all making mistakes and so forth, all in the luxury of the poor, dishevelled, DIY, really kinda real and sensitive and depressed and anxious and emotional and socially awkward, or not, but creative in a way of living or working all day at some best effort cause, with a heart and some passion or compassion, otherwise sold at such a great discount and cost on some chop-shop butcher block of supposedly trickled-down economics. 

But instead owned 

and held dearly 

though appearing laissez-faire 

or loose 

or otherwise

 inaccurately judged...

 when all it is really, is worn out from trying. 

Worn out from giving. Worn out from being other than.

We are the untold heroes and we are real. 

We don’t need to dream, but we do anyway.