Journal # 10.26.2016

She fainted just right to get the proper attention from all the boys. One of the boys really wanted to take care of someone like that, a girl who knew how to position herself and lose consciousness just right, so she wouldn't need medical attention just a boy like him to pick her up and carry her to a room to revive her in and hold her hand and give her a glass of cool water and talk to her sweetly. She practiced it and became skillful. The only hard part was figuring out how to really lose the consciousness, because this was something she could not pull off faking. She found she could take a really abstract concept and expand upon it in a way that caused her such mental anguish her body would tremble and cold sweat and if she simply refused to breathe for a moment she could reach dizzy level and then if she stared at the sun or a bright light or something and got ink spots in her eyes then she could put her arm over her face and bend forward and fall off like that. One of those silly abstract thoughts was about the messiness of life and shot off something like this... we were basically living things traveling through time and space, and interacting with what or whomever came our way, anything within reach would get the most attention and we thought about this with disapproval because this was awful, i mean, leaving people and places you care about behind and maybe trying to stay connected somehow through letters or phone wires or nonlocal means of astral projections and yet still sustaining the moment the business of daily life what with all those loves waiting wondering hurting cause they miss you so much and you dissed them somehow... HOW AWFUL!