July

tiles hold the sun. skin absorbs the heat. there are patterns in the floors but only the colors make any sense to me. i cannot feel a pattern. i can only hear the music in the colors. i only feel the sun inside my feet. i am july. on my hands and knees. i am not enough without the sun. on my belly. laughing into the pores of earth.

pearls

life got painful. you couldn't take it anymore. so you found a corner to cut. you got caught. you were young and that's what we do. we make big mistakes. we are reckless. learning how to live.

today the pearls are strung twice around your neck. turkish coffee drips into ceramic, sheltered inside your hands. nails translucent like newborn sea shells. all that ever happened in your eyes.

en scene 3

fire up a fresh pot. 1950. New York City. nothing's changed. detectives shaking down girlfriends. all units. five boroughs. chasing leads.

en scene 2

burlesque. 1950. Los Angeles. unrequited love. lipstick smeared on a hopeless heart. betrayal.

en scene 1

stolen car. desperate men. 1950. conspire for quick cash. chicago. there will be blood.

searching for (and finding) meaning!

searching became seeking on an otherwise atypical weekend. seeking became leaking when the sought after was found and overflowed the fullness. leaking became luck when it just so happened the collection was rare and appreciated behind glass by the mass. luck became suck when the interactivity failed to give a deep felt sense of belonging the masses hoped for and needed. suck became destruction when the place got torn apart in a collective rage. destruction became relief when they all realized how connected they were by their anger. relief became regret when they witnessed the damage they did and the collection was ruined and history would miss out completely. regret was not set in stone. regret was reformed by the mission. the mission was to get up every day and pray to get out there and be helpful some way to someone in need. and not just to pray. the mission was getting up after prayer. the mission was showing yourself. showing up. making molehills out of mountains. standing courageously on an edge. jumping into life. making meaning where otherwise there was none. 

end week end

i do not want what the world wants for me. begin week, begin. go and be with the world. find out why you exist. for beyond yourself lies joyfulness. within yourself peace of mind. one is unreal. one is real. end week, end.

journal 28

come out of your shell electric. do not your self redact it. expand! you need not be contracted. nor smudged, erased, subtracted. walk past the pails with what the water boil. pour over now and penetrate the soil. coffee grounds for celebration. show up to work nonconforming. refuse to leave! we need you.

dream of a loss

i just now woke from a nightmare whereby my keys were lost or stolen. my friend sarah who i havent seen in a decade was the only bright aspect to the dream. she was helping me. taking me to some lesser known city resource where hopelessness ends.

we were waiting in line when i woke up. the stress melted out of my mind and body like a pad of butter in a pan. the birds the sun and the cats preceded me to consciousness. a couple hours before work. how terrible a feeling, to lose anything so important to you.

un.friend?

they streamline their friends like an org making layoffs. they do not for a second bother with how it could feel to be unfriended. you thought you were enough of a companion to be allowed in the sacred space of reposts and detritus like body shaming humor and emoticon hell. you thought saying happy birthday on their birthday in 2015 made a fair enough splash on the double helix steam. there are no goodbyes online anymore. put on an old beatles record and howl at the moon. find twenty new friends to replace them by noon.

i saw a dragon

you cannot tell me there
are no dragons i
saw one

axis

you were my horizon
i was vertical
blind

crossing the ocean
without a plotted
course

you were solid fixed
i was fitted. the
waves and sheets the
sun and salt

nevermind

it's not our fault
the night is disobedient
the suspension
bridge of light

you
gave me my
life

scarred
out of sight
blind

nevermind
we are like kids
we are all
right

cuts.dashes

the group became tighter. careful about who they let in and who they let out. ritualistic. some wanted in but could not get in. some wanted out but could not get out. those who died were revered. 

traffic berry jam

traffic berry jam

on the razor edge 

of love

hot with thoughts 

we got blown 

on highway five 

of tire

filament shrapnel float 

dribbles off the lips

cresting to burst 

slide down the glassy 

eyes 

lazy wander the figured 

thighs to a base

metal 

i am stolen

you could score with me

traffic berry jam

on the razor edge

of love

all and none

the tireless work begun
the shadow cast by the wrecking
ball was tall and long

long and tall

the glass shattered
the bricks did fall

only memory withstood
the assault

we were still under

the sun

all had changed 

and none

undone

you can do what's undone. other things are out of your power. what is done you cannot undo. what a gift to be able to stay calm when you are subjected to great pressures and unable to manage. what a talent to quietly go about your work. what a blessing you are when you reach your potential. don't give up. we need you.

rose quartz

you coulda been living in a car and who cared? you disappeared off the lips with a prayer. rose quartz the quality to express you. a pale of having been purified by trial. only accomplished in those the world gave away.

greenblue

goodbye sweet moment

lying in the light of a summer morning

California

readying myself for whatever highs and lows the day may bring. making conscious contact. watching my kittens thirst by their eyes for the birds. drawing back the peaks of audio. tails move side to side with the eyes

these eyes are emerald

these eyes are amber

mine are greenblue...

sending this message to space

5.5.5

Five were the aerial views of the heart. Valves played and polished like horns. Sound bounces off points to show form. An audio track. The history of the world. Ten were the arteries full of light and uncontained. See the narrative of the world bubble up from undersea. Liquid. Seamless. Without end. Fifteen were the compressions. Before and after life. Unstudied. Immeasurable. Wild. Unknown.

(self)

the effect the world has on me thickens my skin. i become less vulnerable while trying hard not to be completely insensitive. i wanna be able to feel cuz you gotta feel, to feel alive. like anyone i wanna feel safe. a thick skin can protect. like trusted family and friends. deadbolted doors.

there is something juicy at the core of you. something sacred and true that the world cannot corrupt. you can share this with them. they can see it in your eyes. they may get under your skin. you can learn to protect your sacred self. and offer it with those who are deserving.

kindness and compassion make for the best tasting fruit. the ability to see behind personalities is a great gift few have. those who have or develop this capacity are often smiling or less fearful walking the world. for they realize that even the hardest among us have a sweetness deep inside.

what was given us

the colorless moments of stressed inhibition. must i be always backed into a corner before i come fighting? a sea of bad news and brake lights ahead. even tears and smiles were a stretch.

then, from that place of half flag summer fatigue, arose a current from the far east. we would not know until we opened two walls. the windows.

life came into the trees. i awoke feeling different. all the colors returned. time was no longer just a waiting for work. there was meaning and it was personal. it was yours. it was mine.

express

I wanna be locked in and deliver you the greatest highlights of life, blown out in cursive, bonded by word, trailing our infinite press.

true 3

I like anyone am visited by self doubt when basic elements transition. In the past six months my treasured routines were threatened. I was displaced from both home and office. The faces around me were new. The structures and locations. The disorganization. I turned to prayer and my people for help. I asked questions. I felt at times I was doomed! Thankfully, fears and feelings are not facts. I made it! Now some spirit returns. My practices I have fought so hard to build and keep are ready and waiting to be employed. I have proven myself capable once again. I need only follow my heart back to the book.

true two

i reinvented myself in motion yet stillness was my hallmark. i used to stare into the eyes of hurricanes until they closed. now i am underneath them, plotting a course for open ocean. still they settle into land by choice and suicide.

i wonder how i survive the oppositions. chaos wants me for my calm. the depressions look to me for uplift. they both know i have survived them. i have survived my self. know me for family. for i have lived there, too.

true 1

this is not all we know. below the coffee grounds. above the traffic jam. beneath the chirping devices there is a deeper space we may go.

this is not all we know
so go

my child 

go

this is not all we are

so be

my child
be

couldn't stand the summer

trapped by heat. the relentless wave of sun. gimme a lemon ginger ale on ice. my mind in a prism. my thoughts burn through me like sea salt. the machines and engines double down like doom. throw me in a swimming pool. turn the sky to liquid falling down. cool rain reaches demigod status in the valley. leaking antifreeze side by fields. rivers are  the queens. sacks of ice pulled down from freezer doors to fracture on the tile. night sails in like allies freeing paris circa 1945.

snapchat sensation

you read the lips of a dyslexicon backwards up against the mirror this evening. they told you books are dead. you found life there in a raindrop bead you rehydrated by a cry. your therapist shouldered insulin in tweed. the sugar cube came with a business card and why? because you were in pain. unheard, unseen. now the plant is watered, turning green. unlock the doors. remove the screen. jump out into an earth sky. don't forget your no name sneakers.

may be nihilism

i am finding variations on life, between or within days. may be love i experience or pain. may be a cold environment follows the friendly calm of tonight. nestled in my domain listening to chimes and fans beneath the weight of interstellar nihilism. the cat cries out for no reason and breaks my sleep. now I know between these temples. Coca-Cola. the red can got the better of me. my systems shot like nerves were years ago. I cannot hide. never again.

may you

may you see depression before it sees you. the black of the eye does not stop the eye from seeing. find your light and go there while you can. bathe in it. expand it. let others freely in...depression cannot stand you.

may sometime five

relocating yourself is hard. i was all wound up and so tightly there was no room for a catch, twenty two, or a finger to inch its way between the string and the spool. the risk was decapitation of an innocent digit, say number two, flat on the ground without its curly-q. the tale had a tail. i saw the end of it, too. it was bushy like a cat's just washed, having dried. the cat was my tiger approaching me now on the bed, after another long night moving more stuff from point a to point b. all crying in his cage earlier, soaking wet. feeling scared and mistreated. now it was long after my usual bedtime and i was the one hurt and crying after the longest of days. finally lying down @ point b. suddenly letting go. the wind took the kite and all, pulling the spool and the string right out of my hand. now we are free. my tiger and his brother approach me. blondie comes up and nestles his head under my ribs. his brother, bunny, settles down on the blanket by my feet. these are the only kids i have. i am suddenly unwound and so happy. the breeze draws in from the window. we are home. we are flying.