inside out.side

i am inside and i wanna get
out. i gotta go
get into a fix

        life
gives no sanctuary
but in the
  living. what i got
i created. i gave it! your will
was mine! i snatched it back
i clung to it

then it disappeared
i was alone. i was older
and could not believe
so much time had
passed

i wanna go out! get lost in
a cloud i am
inside. i'm not afraid to run barefoot
cut up alot in a city
scape

i oughta. this whole scene is dangerous
soft factory air makes me. i
am inside out

fuck it. gimme a map
the closest emergency
exit. i will take it!

break the controls off bad
and i gotta get out
of my head and the news
is so terrible

not another screen
i need something to believe
in. the sky

the give and take

my tired eyes tracked the screen for some intrigue on

the only holiday that had the guts to tell you what to do


i was thankful

for the day off and some time to myself



a film tapped into the part of me

wanted more outta life

you’re excellent when you’ve

something to prove

i asked my phone
 remind me in 2 hours

to call somebody i love

nov.30

saturday was fast moving winds, burning thighs and push through the pain. friday was calm and lazy like those chocolate chip pancakes flopping on the plate. the front was still picking up over the pacific and tryptophan made for sweet dreams. wake up your life! hissed a surf of foamy salt whip cream. we put ourselves out there for whatever it was worth.

27.20

i had to learn how to live all over again, after the trauma. i didn’t completely lose my ability to write or speak or communicate, but it did something to my nervous system, and i could not think clearly. my thought process was fragmented and tangential. my moods stood me up and walked me into altercations. my thoughts put on a show, racing recklessly into the night. i lived this way for several years. 7 years later i am doing well. i am calm and charged and can talk to anyone and look you in the eye. i am not easily triggered into fight or flight or freeze. i give thanks. i dedicate my life to communicating some hope to those who feel hopeless in the world. with love, from me to you.

match

the rains came today
at long last

thank god thank
god the rains

finally the world looks like
how i often feel

inside

25.19

the color red
the heat in my fists
transforms when
i wait it out

what is left?
little heartache
it's not so bad
come we can live

together

force 5

the 5th force has been discovered she
is afraid
of light
as she decays she
shines

the 5th force has been found
in Hungary. they are coaxing her and fixing her up
under a microscope
now

she recedes into darkness
instinctively

soon she will be widespread and universally
loved. they dream. the latest force! in her prime! just
imagine!

she tends to avoid the spotlight. your
music is not my music how
can it be ours?

like a light in the dark she matters may
she
never go out.
hold her close now! how
she appears!

feeling u belong

2 feel u belong is
a blessing...

to anyone who is inside
the pain

listen 2 me

there is a place
u belong

keep
keep
keep
searchin
i swear

solemnly
there is a place
4 u

found a friend

i found a friend who was out there ever since i met him when i moved to Sacramento almost 7 years ago. He has entered a program at the VA and has found recovery. i am thrilled to know he's makin his way out. every time i visited his profile i worried he would be deceased. appears to have hit that spiritual rock bottom place i know so well, where your life is so low there's no further place to descend to. gosh i can relate. one day the pain is so excruciating there is an opening. an honesty. and a willingness to do whatever it takes to recreate ourselves and heal. hopefully to walk again with a purpose and become useful and able to love ourselves and our communities. i told him, i can only wish this for you as i have experienced it myself. and you remind me of myself. remembering the past. thinking of you. wishing you well.

Katya Mills
20 November 2011

Posted 2011 [a FB memory hit my timeline]: "Though the circles of my acquaintances and even friends is full of the bad, the ugly, even wickedness among us... i find a dialectic, a contradiction in it, for these same people are capable of love and sweetness beyond measure and I am at times grateful. For there are glimpses of the compassionate! crazy! empathic! sensitive! and sometimes even mature and responsible. the locus of overlap may be small.... yes! we are immigrants passing through your mainstream ! fyi....our intelligence runs deep. intentions pure."

anti.escapism

When faced with our personal demons, from trauma to social anxiety to depression, insecurity, prejudice and fear, can we escape the diverse traps of escapism in a technology driven world? can we recognize when we are hiding in niche markets and pockets that insulate us from harm, the circles and titles and roles and degrees that fit our personas so comfortably well? how do we move from our comfortably numb microcosms and social media spaces into something more vulnerable and maybe terrifying? let us arm ourselves with mindfulness. let us push toward self-awareness and awareness of those around us. let us appreciate differences of opinions and perceptions, which are forged from differences of experiences. let us be curious rather than defensive. following the paths of those before us, whom we hope to emulate, whose stories provide outcome studies we can see and touch! that to be vulnerable...to step out of our comfort zones...to let ourselves go into process and come out from behind our narratives, into space where we can feel and change and grow... may we drop our guards, our personas, our designated roles for a sec...let us stand a chance at a greater authenticity. a greater connection with something bigger than ourselves, and a stronger relationship not only with our community but our society, our humanity. The outcome may prove irresistible! A greater personal sense of autonomy and spiritual freedom in an increasingly material world.

yesterdays news

the wind picked up this morning and blasted all the spaces, rolling recyclables down and into the street, carrying yesterdays news away. i am awake and listening. community some dream at dawn. i cook up some oatmeal and brown sugar. high speed internet and a chance to reconnect. living well can make you soft and vulnerable but not necessarily weak. that depends on you.

overshare

wild sockeye salmon
broiled with sprouts potatoes and stuffing and
she liked it. we talked about our lives. i got caught up
in the story of my past and overshared. i could
not retreat

you got a real friend when you
decide to stick around despite the urge to run
shake the salt and pepper and
it only brings you
closer

11.18.19

i dusted my guitar yesterday and pumped air into my bicycle and rode the river for a while. god willing i might meet some old chords and new friends and find my way back to source. a dusting off may not go a great distance but i'm telling you...every creative effort makes a moment a little brighter for me and you. and that's something to love about life.

the self sets the limits

the spirit and soul is shining underneath, waiting to break out of the rock that conceals it, out of darkness for us to see and believe. meanwhile the world goes on waiting for you to arise. will you ever? the tarnished lack in a rusty controlled mechanical sort of perfection with an intellectual hook demands a miraculous effort. most are pulled out of the path of life and retired, subservient to other forces, equally bad as good, fenced in by unnatural designs. oh! the self-set limits of life experience. the adventure lies in potential and may very well be worth living and dying for!

hk. we love you

i cannot turn my eyes from an honorable cause
collective awareness forever half-whole

 the internet
a consciousness blender. unevolved practices
pulled to the surface

we cannot turn our eyes we
get up at dawn to see
unsavory brutal old things hiding inside the
lobster traps while the hull rises and falls off the swells
like a breath
the waistcoat of mature regimes sweating the heart
suffering the people to a punishing
high blood pressure and panic in the
streets

hk. never give in. never
give up
our hearts beat alongside
yours

unlike.ly

the quiet ones they fall back they
patronize the same magazine
stands

the cafes the street corners rocking back and forth on heels
toe to toe with the headlines the
bodies dashing past the salesmen
and women selling

it would not take an act of war
to draw their thoughts back from their concerns

they may hold your hand a moment longer than others
if you give it. do not underestimate this to be true
the quiet ones know
what you are going through
means as much as
much can mean. philosophically if necessary

sometimes that's all may take
i mean
to realize you are not alone and
someone gives a damn

tra.nce join.t

no right no wrong simply colorful everything simply
all night long

roll tight trance joints 4 the crowd
2 feel

no. the future's not cold
computer. still

clouds pressured by
fronts to tears are
 driven
woven and rolling are feeling and warm
are driven are crying and living
are dying and rolling
are woven into
the life

here a rainbow gone

remember those who silently made their way through city streets

adorned with semi-delusional ideas. visual blended them in with countless colors the 

nuance the canvas of urban elements 

what if what

they saw then

and 

got medicated for

got laughed at

discredited by

disenfranchised from

marginalized for

years later

exists?

i stayed away

all the way back to ancient history, i mean my personal teenage daydream, i stayed away from the opportunities the crosswalks the celebrations the teachers the smiling faces. i could see them but i could not approach them. they were there waiting for me all those years but i harbored social anxiety and a strong feeling i did not deserve anything good in my life. so it was personal justice i exacted on myself, the better part of my twenties. then i hit the thirties and got a taste of freedom from my vices and moved to california. then the question of owning my identity arose. this would require courage and resolve. i could not conjure it up. i needed a plan and i got online and got with community and developed one.

i put together a career move that fit my strengths and values. i was working so hard full-time school and job with a serious commute two hours each way. i still hadn't put it all together, i mean, anxiety and depression and dysphoria were my lot. i had a few friends but mostly isolative. the pressures grew and i got heavy inside my head and i slipped up. you feel like all is lost. it can turn you against yourself. i was lucky to survive. i made it. i finally got it together. prayer and meditation. running and writing and self-publishing. finding my queer community. social work and therapy. giving and receiving. family. friends. owning all the narratives of my identity. reaching out to help others. dialing into my life again feels so great. i thank god.

they.i.touch.carbon.letters

we put our letters in a metal box and in the 20th century it was the number one way to communicate in a nonverbal, confidential and intimate fashion. it was only 2020 and the post office and the library and the climate were endangered. i found all my documents. i looked them over and shredded them. i used the shreds for a nest for my endangered species. i am defiant. i will protect them. you cannot locate me in my inbox. my inbox may be convenient but it's no fun. driving my car helps me calm down, despite a history of accidents, but i may worry about my carbon footprint. you cannot touch anyone anymore in a carefree spirit. you must ask for permission. personal space comes at a high premium. we are self-isolating with our phones. our tablets. our laptops. our desktops. pretty soon we won't be talking anymore, and the word friends will be incomprehensible.  they will be singular. i will be plural. will we ever know a love like that, again?

i was a vape

you were vaping peanut butter cups and blowing smoke into the space above our heads, while i argued for books over any other form of entertainment. nothing beats a paperback with its scent of undiscovered ideas. do they make a juice for that? you found newspaper print vape on google and we laughed all the way to the store.



i was a vape


you were vaping peanut butter cups

and blowing smoke

into space

i was shielded in the cradle

of a book


nothing beats a paperback the scent of adventure

and undiscovered worlds they

cannot make a juice for it

i boasted


then you found newspaper

print vape juice on

google


we laughed our asses off

all the way to the

store

silent crime

some days were all traffic
no let up

it was hard to even
get up

so many screens
so little time and who would believe
a moment of silence...

could feel
like
  a crime

stun.gun

you were stunning
they were gunning
to meet you

if only they knew
what they were walking
into

wanting to believe

if i could help you i would. maybe i can by being grown up and not so easily hurt. i guess we all struggle with wanting to believe we are loved.

impossible math

in the city you may find her
weeknights back of the lot
expanse of sky just above a fenced
square of earth to breathe
eyes full of sunset and
impossible math ruled out in
her forehead

tired of moving
cannot afford to stay
how can she tell
the kid

soft.fall

the grapefruit ice you stir
upon the delta breeze
while summer lost
the spark

calm down you need not
rush


the leaves to turn and

softly fall upon the crossing

walk


time to sit and talk


all the cell phones gone and what a world
would be. what a world

once

was and how we got along you

fingered my blouse i cried to think so

soon you would be

gone

outwitting the grammar police on the outskirts of dot dash city

I'm the typo queen. Sometimes I look back on messages and wonder how I survive the writing world lol

Did you get your work done? Was it worth working your ass off to miss a pretty day? lol Have a good day tomorrow. 🙂

Lynn P. • Tue, 6:06 PM

the typo queen enlists apostrophe charles to fight the evil dyslexics riding around town in their supercharged semi-colons on the edge of dot dash city

force

i had a nightmare and woke up and drank some water and when i fell back asleep it turned into a dream. you can try but you cannot force things. if i'm feeling discontent, like i'm selling myself short or worked up into some resistance, i try to locate what i'm fighting and stop. you can allow things to be the way they are and still want to change! just be present with yourself and work on it a little every day.

katya selfie 2019

hear.t.breake.r.

i was so looking forward to your visit, seeing you for the first time in 15 years. my blood. my cousin. the only one i've got, i mean, the only one i get to talk to anymore. i saw us roaming up to tahoe and down to san francisco, maybe over to the ocean. they had us pinned for black sheep all those years and we survived. i am closer to you for it. how my heart breaks to know you cannot come. what a crusher. okay. so i'm angry, so i'm sad you called it off. these are just feelings. the most important thing is your health. it's god's will.  i am close to you, all these miles and miles away.

author at home

song 1 nov

the song of summer has ended
and we nest inside our city
apartments

these dawns thaw out long
after the sunrise. i cut most
my hair off and dive beneath
the complexities

i can smile waking up again. i
can find myself again
in the winter. i

can see my breath
singing