12.31.21

the last of the last 

of the last of the year

may we open our eyes

like 4 the first 

time   #katyamills

DIDION

i often pedal down your street 

the home where you grew up 

by the Sacramento Bee 

you can taste the print coming off the papers

cross-pollinating

not unlike how your words 

and your life indelible 

touched us    #katyamills

be the one

be the one 

unafraid

to admit when you are

wrong

you may be

the only one

be the one

#katyamills

workers on break

slowed heartbeats

inhaling the rain 

on break

stirring grounds 

in the kettle

pushing the embers

cutting earth out of the sole

with a blade

cherishing a smoke

with a friend

#katyamills

Thiebaud

all the cakes and pies gumballs turned out the machines bouncing off kitchen floors produced the precise sugar rush required to render the masterpieces san francisco streets the geometry of farms and orchards touched by sunlight divided by river within the delta

#katyamills

cash out

farewell to the holiday bonus sucked into these machines relentless sound smoke and show farewell to the players pale hanging off they drinks rinky-dinks indefinito forgot how to think what time or day what the hell to say no cash 2 cash out no getaway #katyamills

Ione

one lonely night in Ione

headlights pawing the foothills 4 life 

my heart whispered 

the truth beneath these shields

of rain and wind

that though we may be better off apart

distant relatives is the sorriest

combination and god only knows

where my life would be 

without you

#katyamills

Y

long we lived 

in darkness. wonder 

not y we worship 

the sun

#katyamills

12.22.21

the rains came down hard 

sleep escaped me for some time i 

dreamt my car was broken in and 

had a run in with the cops

when i awoke i cried to the kittens who 

replied by flourishes of tail

you only have today 

so make the most! make 

the most!

#katyamills

california psychotherapist

Katya Mills, LMFT #129963

12.21.21

im not so great in many a formal

setting i like to dress just how i feel

lovely or bedraggled 

makes no sense to me to dial it up

otherwise. maybe for joyful masquerade 

the show off who expresses toward some aim

i so disdain it makes me tremble

#katyamills

dis.cusscusscuss

basin water drawn

to the face green blue green eyes

my thoughts turned 2 the less fortunate

i castigated the glass

ran out on the sun

cussed the mean cold

world

hunting my contacts i

called on the loneliest one

who could not would not answer

the loneliest one

was i

#katyamills

morningside park

tugging on a lamppost 

atop a flight of stairs

by a blade they lost

they strength

waylaid

not without a fight

began to fade

between the teeth the skin

the beat it slows 

to fin and many full 

with sorrow

hearts

#katyamills

X

love

like one long forgotten

day

#katyamills

D plus or minus

thrust into hand my essays marked up 

red like a tongue been punched in the mouth 

after i turned them in so square

clean geometric rails and trains carrying verses 

plundered then ransacked over the open plains 

i thank god i could not never write 

how you wanted    #katyamills

down one

winter highways a mess 

kids with sleepers in their eyes

pleading - don't go! 

fuck all the long commutes

forgot how to end

ice cream sundays!  they exclaim

throwing they boots off

factory gonna have to live 

down one 

today

#katyamills

vax realities

they stamped my card

pumped my arm full 

of medicine

 i zipped up

ten miles home 

in the rain

popped some tylenol 

advil and said

prayers

#katyamills

death of an inconsequential man

blood surging through his veins

disseminating after a decade of lifeless

sedentaryanism the inconsequential man 

with a battle cry hurled himself out his 4 story window 

cradling his miniature labrador 

who as luck would have it

had already passed

#katyamills

dresden

once an iconic city

before the wars and the amphetamine soaked 

antisocial dictators regime

got bombed 2 smithereens

#katyamills

crypto night

they gave what they had 

the hours of attention undivided they gave

what they made 

digitally sealed cryptographic tokens

etched into trees scrawled 

upon paper

to fade

#katyamills

Anne Rice

upon parting

trading this world for another

the eleventh of december, twenty twenty one

all the vampires  

who made her like she them

were given sudden

mortality

 #katyamills

ultra

the violet 

halfway between blue and invisible

became violent 

attacking an otherwise

nondescript wavelength

with a volley of purple multiphasic

rain

our rocks

developed button fly star

kicks

what a bloody

mess

#katyamills

the relatively unknown

at home

facing the faces of holiday cheer 

the relatively unknown 

dress and dial down fear 

with hopes

4 a fearless new year

#katyamills

tailor. precinct 11

far and wide 

the old man was called upon

his number had come up!

he arrived carrying the suit he wore 

on his wedding day 1975

knocked on the thick oak door 

the office of aptitude 4 

deconstructing and reauthoring identities 

tailored to your desired 

specifications

#katyamills

introducing the no see ems

while reading books by all my favorite authors 

all of whom are dead 

i let the room

and gave the stage to the no see ems 

they put on a punk flying show beyond compare

demonstrating how unreflexive

we truly are   

#katyamills

water from fabric

like water from 

fabric you got the truth 

out of a liar

by twisting 

#katyamills

conversations with the future

on a train leaving Las Vegas

i thought to my (future) self

with all the deception in the world

who needs magic?

#katyamills

it's a crime

it's not a crime to care and it's

not a crime not 

to care it's not a crime

not to care it's a 

crime 

#katyamills

the inconsolable light that is you

so inconsolable 

you became the forecast 

god knows 

your light after the storm your

light! the calm!

before so inconsolable

god knows the light

the calm after

the storm

#katyamills

not only the lonely

the voices carried 

deep into the heart of recollection

no one was witness no one

believed

what a gathering of friends  

for the lonely

#katyamills

thoughts near 25

we went on advancing

cutting new angles 

experimenting constantly and who cared

where we landed or when

10 days a week they demanded you 

show up exactly on time wear a suit 

show no thigh and why? 

was it not enough

to love unconditionally do

life differently

demanding impartiality 

insistently 

#katyamills

fake sun.shine

in the age of machines they foraged

for scraps fought for territory

the latest liquid cooled solar powered billboard 

ridiculed them from the heavens  

they silently protested black fridays 

cyber mondays and the obsolescence 

of thoughtfulness 

#katyamills

tired from sleepin

i got pummeled by dreams 

last night thrown into skirmishes

fought back but could not 

stay on my feet. now its morning 

and got to be ready sometimes

so tired from sleepin  

#katyamills

warrior 2

with a breath to the top of the lungs

and a prayer from the bottoms 

up they arose high

and headed in

#katyamills

december 5

in a sky swimming with currents

they held on to mom by fistfuls of cotton 

seated on a giant slab begging alms under the palms 

about to fall asleep when a set of shiny silver trumpets the angels did envy

heralded a monster rolling wheels big as they 

themselves   #katyamills

black friday

on a frozen detroit morning

the cars slosh by the department stores

window shopping heat on the racks

please help a boy cried out disconnected

from reality and though they raised him 

they loved him they

didn't     #katyamills

confetti

days of heavy rain

the dry old world turned 

green our hearts yellow blue

then red. seeing you smile was a miracle

the desolate world teeming we crossed ourselves carelessly

skipping down jackets waxed halls

a stark freedom chased by 

the principles the rules

made for proper

confetti  

#katyamills

ode to banana

i punctuated my morning 

pulling a comma off the bunch at the stem

a vessel 4 electrolytes 

symbol for art and inspiration

i got under its skin then it got under mine

repetition of consonant

and vowel

#katyamills

org.asm

dyssed at a formal function 

sad kinda suicidal ina river of thought chasm 

wonderin what the fuck?

compositions on acid

dead show parking lots. organized isms

blue blockin the asms

save the copper attitude like a useless penny 

for a rainy day  

#katyamills

starbound days

the one i hoped against hope to love in the starbound days took apart the sum of my words and selected from them a single choice, out of context, and left me, dissolute, with the remainder. i burned through nights, furiously attending my reduction. i did not rest until it was done. out in the street one dawn, shutting the door quietly behind, i carried the hearty broth to the needy  #katyamills

underground

no wonder good things live underground for once they see light so often they are trampled 

#katyamills

sailing

tacked down

put in irons whipped with sheets

and tapered knots

we caught a sudden gust from the west

and turtled

shocked by cold salt water

we emerged

free again we sailed

slanting rolling edging

one with foaming whitecaps

dotting the horizon

#katyamills

indi.gen.ous

the fields how they turn 

from gold and fallow

lush. we let a yawn the crack of dawn

wrap ourselves in blankets

wool the usual layers 

had no pull

we kept warm with dance and

song. you need not read a book

to know love needs no push

to grow

#katyamills

socio

all the holiday ads

in all the holiday papers

could not put them

back together

the savings promised

future bank at the

coinstar

#katyamills

disappearance

fog obscured the sun

the light drawn into water

photons strewn about in a diffuse haze

enfolding sky and land they 

walked into the forest 

never to return  

#katyamills

thirty some

the threat was made the charges

stuck the kids were taken the awful

luck. what will it take to reunite?

will do almost anything the wrong

 to right and fight and fight and fight

and fight  #katyamills

the heights

hair tied back

they mix chemicals into buckets

with water with beats

distorting the sound slowing it down

hands and knees for you

mopping waxing dusting

on the ground for you conceptualizing 

open the valves fire up the boilers 

in the cold for you 

smiling when the work is done they

disperse into the heights

leaving behind an unreal

shine   #katyamills

the out and about crowd

in the in crowd

for the sum of years and days they

self-cancelled over crossed feelings

and forged identity

made a blood pact with the outsiders

to be fearlessly out

and about   #katyamills

achilles

i threw the phone

against the cold soundless punishing 

darkness. the city an ocean and when it got mad...

the faces pale gaunt dissociated

stress seared into the foreheads

no more! i stretched to my deepest limit

saw it break apart and dove in 

after  #katyamills

american farm

headlong

into your production

up at scratch every morning

intermittent flapping of eyelash

your ineffable ways 

like the moon but not a phase

ina daze you amaze 

every harvest  

#katyamills

thrills

tipping the scales toward 

creation in a world of 

destruction gives a spirit

thrills   #katyamills

11.11

pushed down

a thousand times

got up  

a thousand and 

one   #katyamills

1994

i remember you giving me eyes

 outside Chicago your brothers 

your sisters anyone who happened by 

mom pushing meat 

and potatoes. we took sides 

off editorials in the Reader you 

gave me eyes young and in trouble i 

could not see i never wanted to hurt you

but i did  #katyamills 

record store 1981

big decisions...

given a choice between

vodka and cigarettes

and the touted new release

vinyl was far less 

nutritious  #katyamills

the night an hour lost

on a sunday predawn

the candles liquid the

street lights glowing orbs  

in the fog i fought the bastards

in my sleep they set us back 

turning hands like clocks

i summoned source

for the great escape into

consciousness

#katyamills

re.run

good luck with the supercilious attitude 

your shocking entrance and exit

good luck with the shabby

coat of titles and flawless conceit

i love to walk the runway in eighties

thrift and taste my buttered fingertips 

watching this rerun play out  

#katyamills

a.flame

twice i retreated to the mountains 

awakened (28 years) downhearted

reconnected to the old truth i was dodging 

i couldn't spark and turned to ash

again. then (forty years) i came out 

aflame writing for fighting for my life   

#katyamills

what i seen

orange lights

black kicks

hot lies

dirty rivers 

yellow eyes

subway entrances

blue thighs

scarred lips 

red skies

#katyamills

life of an addict

internally pressured 

to score 

they squandered

all they had and went

without

#katyamills

speak and therefore exist

i let the paper fall

scarred by a sudden memory

touch the silver lotus
with a laugh from no source i

ring the cup with a 

spoon. cat with no tail 

hidden in the hedge

by the rail i am talking

to myself to know i exist

the day will give a little

like cream softens coffee

she always got somethin 

to give

#katyamills

the sun shines everywhere

the out and down

rather fuck off and get high

in the broke part of town

throw green glass

be with someone you know

or don't know don't matter

you feel about the same 

watching sunlight move

rather spirited yet

empty   #katyamills

betrayal of darkness

i am juxtaposed

they look at me funny 

i am bleached they are normal 

in some abnormal

psychology

i dive into the earth

so i can grow only

they shoot me down

again

i am a goner

unless...

by some betrayal 

of darkness i rise 

teeth first to speak 

my heart

relentlessly

#katyamills

show on the road

cat of nine tails

punctuate the mountain trails 

squash and apple and potato 

farmers bag up crops 

for sale

skunk raises his back

to the gentle chocolate lab

thickened by sugar in the depths 

of the sierras

playing notes of caramel we are

the entertainment. can you spare a twenty? 

we gotta keep this good thing

going   #katyamills

skyward

lost in my kid's alphabet cereal
making words of letters disheartened
by monotony and repetition i stepped out
for a walk i chanced to look skyward
the patterns like arrows! tips of wings!
tickling the underbelly of clouds!
no time to say goodbye i flew south

 #katyamills

10.31

i made up one eye 

soft and black with powder

your fist would 

have been too

hard

#katyamills

discernment

i saw you disturbed you 

were crying

may i help you?

there are ways 

one may protect ones 

energy 

#katyamills

30 watts

30 watt lightbulb 

splashed across these

walls like lemon 

lemme see your face

up from these pages why

do you cry? they cannot hurt

you. lemme read you

these damn classics 

until we fall  asleep

#katyamills

tune in.out

they got so busy mixing

and splicing ambient sounds 

with hacked lyrics

they could not hear the multi

media metaverse

calling. the rain drumming

thumb wheels thumbin 

what a day to be def

#katyamills

a thousand one liners

they was not asked around 

folks bein focused on the arts and crafts 

of survival they was not missed 

a thousand one liners later one young gun 

she lit a candle and prayed for them 

with implicit permission by god they

took a holiday from the street 

to tweet

#katyamills

in.nocent

you could not see his eyes

body lashed by the belt in the back 

headphones and hair mopping 

the face drownin them out 

rain checked windshield 

of pathological indifference

he was accused

soundscapes caressing his soul

driving his imagination 

wild he was innocent he was

innocent!

#katyamills

peace is lost

we imagined

the offshore oil platforms 

invading warships 

here @ the meeting

of land and sea

how quickly peace

is lost

#katyamills

autumn in the graveyard

the grounds overtaken with fallen leaves

it's less how we look that concerns me 

so much as can we survive?

you understand... 

let us give another candle

the best light for the dearly departed

may we always do what we can

to see them in it

#katyamills

apodictic

barely time to daydream

like usual when you edged 

into my office out of sorts 

to betray logic and reason

the strangest thing

it was like someone was 

there... my blood raced 

to believe our dearest comrade

she returned! 

#katyamills

collide

i remember

the day we stopped traffic

you and me in a daze in the street  

bystanders asking did we need

help? metal glass plastic call 911

there's been a collision! lovestruck

it was the best accident

i ever had 

#katyamills

5 to 25

what a world 

where @ 5 years old you are mostly 

brilliant and when you hit 25

you know exactly 

nothing   

#katyamills

notes 24 october

with hope upon wakening

believin the work to be done 

i open my manuscript

and like the washer the dryer you

spill out on the floor at my feet

such is life

replete and resplendent

we sharpen our blades

and fall on them

#katyamills

kick no. forty and one

sometimes life demanded a kick in the teeth

anything to see you 

smile  #katyamills

pro.cess.ing

they worked with chemicals 

and film 

swallowed several shots 

before work toward

calm

extrication of light

from darkness

development

hopelessly devoted to

the process

#katyamills

turn on

when all's quiet 

in my home 

the great amplitude 

of raw energy

like a switch

turns me

on

#katyamills

all you got

they beat the mean streets 

and hard luck faces 

by a big heart a 

penchant for laughter a 

stomach for failure 

ana means for makin 

easy cash and friends

ina forsaken land 

#katyamills

katya to stardusk

dear Stardusk,

these jobs on the old earth

(aft of second sun) they really 

suck your soul thanks 4 

the AI flowers what a surprise

i hope you felt the emoticons

i charged  

orbiting you always 

KatYa 

beholden to the wind

you slammed my bedroom door 

all throughout the night

howled into my ears forced me 

out of bed you blew away 

my style. beholden to the wind 

i am. when they see me 

all shall run  #katyamills

cause.s

in the reprieve of summer
we gathered like birds in the park
for a cause

i donated books to the library

a man with manufactured legs
walked his dog

the trees dying of thirst

in this land

we cannot live without

our causes

 

a great many flock behind 

the ones who stand

in front

#katyamills

al.lure

i lost my voice

miles from shore i

had no choice

the old rage and confusion 

the sadness yes i took the bait

jitterbugs 9 hooks

tore my belly up

i ran the line out to 

its end i clean broke that red devil

flash! in the air

you ain't never gonna

catch me 

again

#katyamills

hungry tummy

we were kids we 

could not see behind our

backs. you headed 4 the duck pond

brought back dinner 

4 the hungry 

tummies

#katyamills

sea.worthy

seaworthy to be

we wore layers upon layers

thick wool caps to be 

landworthy laced our boots tight

to be worthy to be 

we wore our hearts out 

unfurled them off a post

gave them to all 

the elements 

our adversaries 

did not stand 

a chance

#katyamills

i died 4 music

cuttin and pinning wires
while you carve squares 

into the cabinet

the blade breaks clean
under your power
my lips in stereo thanking you

a star thrown
strikes me in the
chest

i died
4 the love of
music

#katyamills

nail polish

my nails grow so fast

they will push you out of bed

they said. you won't even recognize me 

this november unless you feel

light

#katyamills

Hollywood Hills

two lane highway
snake in the forest
take us to the sea


take us to Hollywood
to family with blessings
take us 2 the top of the world
to share a smoke
against sorrows


memories of screenplays
of travels
Egyptian swindlers and
the red-haired boy
the love of winsome
LA sunsets


#katyamills

various shades of green

5 days i polished the temple

with soap water a bristle brush on hands and knees bucket and rag liquefying greens ina blender i could go on like this forever without meat fish dairy sugar bread. painting the walls various shades of green dear god not without coffee

#katyamills

San Luis Obispo

SLO @ dusk

empathy yawns

into the void 

welcome to seasoned vindaloo 

with lamb

apparitions of Zebras

trotted out on our fields

of vision

castle in the clouds

San Simeon

the crimson the society

cool nights and clover

surveying pumpkin farms

october

#katyamills

channel islands

accompanied by gulls

by Santa Barbaras willet 

long-billed fletcher

elegant terns and reddish egret we

shared coffee and song stared

into the morning light  

vrikshasana

upright

full-throated 

laughing

#katyamills

the last wave

down a narrow sandy path checkered with manzanita

to Point Rincon in this sleepy surf town

a memorial of painted rocks for a man who gave his wife

the child she always wanted before drowning

on the last wave. three days we stayed in Carp

churning avocados into guacamole. we are lucky 

llamas truly blessed hoping to meet a descendant of

the Chumash   #katyamills

Big Sur beats

highway 1

eleven hundred miles 

of coast with you 

close
los gatos at home
thumbprints

weaving through 

the mountains

radio and gas stations 

the canyons

salt in our nostrils

kelp tossed like an aside

to the beaches
water pounding sense into 

these rocks 

let's
reach out 

over the cliffs to 

eternity

#katyamills

anarch.y

was gonna cross myself

take something wasn't mine

had the opportunity and 

let it be. before i awoke found

myself reading what i wrote on a stage

touching into the under

blue arm tattoo

dear anarchist dream self 

thank you for coming in 

line after 48 years all 

crosses

#katyamills

enter the ocean

i cannot believe i am
flawless if you told me a million times

the salty breath

crashing into shore 

repeats this notion in my dumb

ears

if you dare not enter the ocean 

headlong you will not drown

neither will you be 

healed 

#katyamills

small by the sea

the ocean swallowed the red sun

whole. you and me tucked behind a blanket

this sandy realm gone twilight i feel 

so small by the sea and it's good

why had we not gone swimming? 

had i forgot... in the body

the memory pulled me up

with a start. the mind 

cannot fathom the sinister   

#katyamills

con respeto

you came from Mexico to work 

you say to make money painting

houses seven days a week no days off

ever? this is why you came

you say. i offer you a doctor pepper

and ask you  - con respeto -

the fumes! have they

gone to your head?

  

#katyamills

van.life

they want you they want you to be someone you not they fantasize no intention on realities you fix them breakfast stare into they soul streamin vids fightin jetstream wide open like the canyons the world is hard and wants you too and took you we have lost

#katyamills 

run on empathy

drained they was

runnin on empathy alone

clothes tattered

eyes red thoughts 

burned black elbows

an knees nicked 

tummy grumbles throat

gurgles breath wheeze

please don't leave 

me we got all 

night don't we?

#katyamills

other.ness

intervals together we

shared the unforgettable 

brevity the building feverish 

the long hours waitin...

years later got our wish

all our days twenty

four seven together we 

could have killed each

other and then...

we did  #katyamills

the 5th try

a hawk fought 4 balance 

over the banks of the river

5 times she spoke 

4 times he did not listen

it was bound 2 be a great 

fall     #katyamills

solution like the ocean

the days could be dizzying

we all got mixed up

it matters

how you put your

self together how fantastic 

to solve oneself 

like so   #katyamills

say if

if you say if 

i was wrong in your

letter of apology

you ain't

sorry

#katyamills

b gen

i gen and then evolved to be gen

life was saturated online

receptive fandoms and such

offline the marble got smaller

and rolled and could only be seen

from a great distance 

vanishing  

#katyamills

gargantuan

unable to think unable 

to speak. mashed and bounced

precisely half ways across the earth

absorbed by some gargantuan feeling

you wrote poems unlike mine 

except they was true. watch 

over me and i over you

#katyamills

MAZE

 HERE ARE SOME 

RECENT REVIEWS 

FOR MY BOOK

Alma Pettersonrated it really liked it
Sep 10, 2021

Amberrated it it was amazing
Sep 02, 2021

Aug 06, 2021Paula Cox rated it it was amazing

I really did enjoy this book. I really disliked the cliff hanger it ended on. Now I have to find the next book to read so i can find out what happened. UGH!

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Edenrated it it was amazing
Jun 26, 2021

Lamarrated it it was amazing
Jun 06, 2021

May 17, 2021

GRAND THEFT LIFE

HERE ARE SOME RECENT REVIEWS FOR MY BOOK 


Jessicarated it really liked it
Sep 12, 2021

Sep 10, 2021Paula Cox added it  ·  review of another edition

This seems really familiar. It seems to be like the book Maze I read. It was good. I liked it a lot. Would definitely recommend.

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Amandarated it really liked it
Sep 05, 2021

Kristenrated it liked it
Jan 01, 2021

Bianca Bettsrated it it was ok
Nov 17, 2020

Aaron Stroudrated it it was amazing
Nov 08, 2020

Apr 20, 2020Christi Massey rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition

Shelves: bought, kindle, finished-giveaways

I really enjoyed the grittiness of this book. Very atmospheric and engaging. Great read!

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