the barista and i have a moment. Lavazza café. hotel lobby. she can see i can see she's not thrilled to be working over the holidays and i feel for her. all around us people are playing. a few of them winning a lot of them drinking some of them smoking. most of them losing. she asks me again. changes my heart on it. push the valve. soft top my mocha with whip
#katyamills
across from the Bellagio
we watched the street performers
and the fountains a script of dances
night mistaken for day
the Cirque De Soleil
#katyamills
#katyamills
Vegas. 5am. i take the elevator 20 floors down to the lobby. slot machines. whoever on the last dime. an old man smoking a cigar. a young woman with a pained expression. a dog under her arm. pulling for 7 bars on 5 lines. the dog licks foam off the lid of her coffee.
#katyamills
denying you did something you did when one witness to it describes how deeply it affected them hurt them is fucked up and as hurtful if not greater than the original offense
#katyamills
plotting
we pressed the paper map into the table
compelled to the north through the mountains
i gave in easy because i love you
south. through the desert
my imagination can fill in
any vast expanse of
nothing
#katyamills
she padded around
in leopard print slippers
giving the plants glasses of water
outside
raccoons huddled up
after dodging cars and found
a broken window to climb into her garage
they were stronger and bolder
the iphones
made the humans
oblivious
#katyamills
#katyamills
you stole my heart
but i am stubborn and do not stand for thieves
signaled by the wren's song
with a final kiss i took my love
and left you
waking up 500 miles away
all my belongings in my car
drinking coffee
falling for a sunrise
wrapping my arms around
change
#katyamills
#katyamills
when
her lips parted to speak
radio waves flooded the room and
soaked the floral kitchen
wallpapers
the brief winter daylight
lengthened several hours around
her persuasion
we all fell asleep
effortlessly
#katyamills
in the fields wet with dew
we walk
the body needs not touch
for solace
we are primary
when we overlap
a letter at midnight i hold to my heart
how the light
filters through
#katyamills
morning
flower essence
washed down the throat
in a capsule
thunderbolt
face the truth
grow
#katyamills
some joined the merchant marines some
emptied their bank accounts got in their cars and plain disappeared
if you asked them
they would cite neither
love of travel nor
moral obligation
but a desire to escape the drudgery
working for a balance sheet fighting
inflation
#katyamills
#katyamills
will you lead
the opposition of the urge
to indulge past past past the point of full
to sleep in long long long on a sunday
to watch swipe watch?
it takes guts to knife the romance
of the screens
the eyes hurt the head aches and
love is opposition
is bold
#katyamills
Vegas was nothing like advertised
a stitch in the fabric and rather small
like a star lost in space
the desert itself was bold
the canyons made the silence
loud
#katyamills
#katyamills
i made and gave time
for the hearts to simply open
and share the ups and the downs
and for what we were most
thankful
i watched another good one fall
to the death of corporate
interests
#katyamills
poured the dregs of french roast down her throat
dressed in many layers she
limped to the store by her cane
not caring how she came off
her mouth would get her out
of any trouble it got her in
#katyamills
the boy leaped
on to the swing laughing
dodge hemi pickup
rumbling and ready to roll
away from here
please say thank you
he told her. she was four times his age
thank you she hummed thank you
thank you
the coke from the cooler
steady burning her
hand
#katyamills
all the work was done and now
she could rest
grabbed a pack and a beer
sat down by the koi pond
counted the fish
heart stopped. it did not add up
a raccoon took out a beloved one of
fifty some years and older than her
she cursed at the gods
and the gods they
laughed
#katyamills
#katyamills
i give thanks
seeing you get well
we never thought
you would
i confess i too
thought you
a lost cause
#katyamills
catastrophic thoughts
churn through my head i
grab the nearest
bicycle and burn the wheels
off the spokes
#katyamills
#katyamills
like the greatest adversary
i once fought it. many are the ways to silence
silence
today it lives
among the things
i cherish most
#katyamills
#katyamills
leavin legacy
behind
i drift the solar
systems
young model
outfitted
for space
shot through
the heart
by stars
#katyamills
meanwhile
we all get beat by time
cannot keep the body out of trouble
in the hardest of times we ask
can i have one pain
killer please?
no! - they rebuke us
licenses on the line
in the shadow of an opioid
crisis
#katyamills
a goldfish bowl
full of puppies sewn
with flags upon the floppy
fabric ears was passed
around
the missile
flown up into the sky
on government tv
the classroom in rapt attention
the austere faces of approval
a trail of smoke
recess
a few boys ran
behind the brick schoolhouse
and beat each other
senseless
#katyamills
when the repo came
to repossess
the sorry souls
middle of making
dissonant morning
love
digress
#katyamills
inside our sugar skulls
the thoughts hold the key
we mill them with cider
from apples in the tree
#katyamills
walking the thoroughfares alone
on coupled nights catching the train
in time on timeless mornings
they tried not to jump to conclusions
by the time they got where they
did not always realize they were going
they had had many revelations
#katyamills
late at night
they come
they travel down mountainsides
within water molecules
by gravity
then rise up off the grassy banks
as condensation to hover
low over the city
the full moon witnesses
the harvest. the lost
souls
#katyamills
bending the river
we cycle through
minds meandering
gears clicking
hearts pumping
thoughts and chains
sometimes
derailed
#katyamills
the days they made up in the shadow of war
visiting friends in the country drinking wine
lugged from France. leave lasted about as long
as an echo of a song. back to marching across
Europe he stepped out of formation once
thinking of her of their favorite dance
#katyamills
one way to start fresh on a piece of writing is not worry about anything. let the words go. care less of punctuation which can be righted in the editing phase. come back to it later. let the rhythm get top billing. storytelling gets VIP treatment. this is a free write so let it be free. #katyamills
she watched everything unfold
with a nonjudgmental eye
the world flipping channels
addicted to celebrity worship murder porn
character assassination
she had a terrible habit when bored
indulging other's opinions
forgive me
she announced
i have to go and define
myself
#katyamills
in a vessel constructed by hand
they faced the mighty sea alone
the sails they sewn to withstand
hundred knot winds blown
past the limits of good faith
across the monochrome
lashed to the wheel by a knotted sheet
they piloted through a seven day storm
no sleep no sleep until it dialed down
salted air and foam lodged within
the corrugated bone
they untethered too soon
a misstep any good sailor could take
to make the much needed repairs
high up on the mainsail mast
when taken by a gust and forever
lost to sea
#katyamills
their opinions
dragged on inside her skull for years
carrying the tune until
one forlorn day
she picked up a despondent note
by the handle
stuck it with ultra tons
of glitter and glue
crafted an off key
to unlock her super
future
#katyamills
you said
you carried conversations in your head with me like i was there
when i was not
you said i said
i love you
i kissed your head i said
the i that was not i was true
because i do
#katyamills
with terrifying promise
fall's early darkness
raised mushrooms and flowers black
alongside creatures
conceived by lifeless
ground. needless of the sun
indomitable
#katyamills
yes
you burned me again
reigniting the past through your dirty broken
magnifying lens
hurt
i turned away from this nonsense
and toward my aunt whom you told me
in the same breath
died
harboring the question
have you no heart?
to me
you are like
a stranger
#katyamills
the microclimates
produced by particular social medias
had an insalubrious effect
on them
they began to feel distant
the more they connect
#katyamills
#katyamills
by candlelight
the coffee strong
the songs we joyfully butchered
the night long
our differences cast
aside
#katyamills
static on our screen
in the attic
where they kept us
while they drank sang
played merry
we broke the rabbit
ears thirsting for
reception
pushing the window
up on its ropes
we finally got it
diving into the snow
below
#katyamills
he was drunk again
waving it around like the King of Winchester
i made a dash to the fire
while he fixed himself a vodka tonic
closed the flue and
smoked him
out
#katyamills
again and again
i fought my way out of a bottle
behind wings of paper you
rocked with the train along the tracks
peeking out at the not newsworthy
i am loved and that's why i
keep fighting i keep
loving
#katyamills
these heavy feelings
when i lack the strength to care
set upon me
kneeling there
they cannot stop my breath
from breathing my chest
from heaving
like an animal hunted
facing them i
stare
#katyamills
october
you got my hair
chopped
nails colored so
they pop
dressed down and
up i am
ready for the fall
without words
into your
arms
#katyamills
lights low
the sauce on simmer i
unlocked the front door
divulging my last secret for
you to revel
in the midriff
core
#katyamills
it was hard to understand. she was carrying on about someone who had refused to apologize for what they had said or done to her. i was trying to listen. spelling her name in the moisture around the glass. my finger made for a terrible pen. there was too much ice and too much sour and not enough whiskey. she went on and on without a care. bartender? you know when it's not your problem and yet you can feel a certain way about it? that's how i felt: unloved. unloved like she was feeling unloved. but what's the big deal, really, to be unloved by another who is incapable of truly loving you? #katyamills
she wanted someone to blame. she wanted answers but there weren't any, you just had to press on. she had an urge to call up and bitch out the store manager, the manufacturer of the product, the mayor, anybody who would receive her anger and hopeless feeling. all she had left in the cupboard was a sleeve of saltine crackers and even they had taken on air. she felt dead inside. inflation had sapped them all. the phone rang and she did not answer. after a good cry she felt alive again. worth something. mark came over and rapped on her window. his name was so sudden. mark. let's get out of here. they walked to the park. he tried to cheer her up. i'll get you an ice cream. she couldn't stand the thought of anything milk related. stop it mark. you can't help me. it's hopeless. i'm a lost cause. he stood on his head until his face turned red and she laughed and laughed until she cried some more.
#katyamills
they awoke battered by terrors
a humming heartbeat of a creature
by one eye vigilant of anything
moves speaks
coffee before work
let the emotions run through the grinds
summoning any god to
get them through
#katyamills
i walk the length of rivers
i scour the search engines
post traumatic stressed i
never rest. descended from nobody
who kept the trains
running on time
#katyamills
nights lengthen
the shadows thick and tangible
possess now those who owned them
some vitality ascends
pulp of squash and pumpkin
arrows of geese piercing ponds
covered with scum
hope may our alliances strengthen
and lengthen too
otherwise we are
doomed
#katyamills
sometimes you don't think you got anything to say but give it a try and it will come. like releasing a bull from a pen. storm out of there bucking, all the thoughts and feelings stored up over the years. a super sweet release and i would not stop for nothing, full bore, no breaks. no getting a glass of water or blowing a nose or answerin the phone. no stretching no standing up no looking away. gotta stay devoted to that cadence that rhythm, keep pressure on those keys ... and the headache soon abandoned the scene for somewhere else ... and the heaviness in the heart dissipated ... and the darkness behind the eyes finally gave way to light. #katyamills
#katyamills
when the days
equalled in length the nights
i refused to separate my colors
from whites
society cast me out
a throwaway
left to my lonesome
and bleed
elements both dark
and light
i had all i need
against a ripple of disdain
i broadcast proudly
in sunshine
and rain
#katyamills
that night she knew he wanted to make love to her in the car in the rain
for her just knowing she was wanted she was loved was
more than making love could ever give
#katyamills
she was worrying about whether or not he would make a good father especially given that it wasn't his son. she thought he was the right type because he talked well like someone who was educated and he was. he had a degree. he could get all kinds of jobs and make them all kinds of money so she wouldn't have to bend over backward sewing buttons on thrift store clothes before walking the kid to school. yes, she thought, he could become a classic sorta breadwinner if it weren't for that other thing in the way right now. but they was young, he was young and still needed some encouragement in the right direction. she could provide it but she hadn't and she better start soon. but it was hard because when he got home from work he was usually pretty keyed up and wanted to relax. and she had the prescription pills and felt bad or like she wanted to help and gave him one he washed down with a beer to relax. what harm? it's not like one turned into two or two into three. not with him. maybe her. god she was pregnant and if the daddy was who she thought it was, he was no good. she didn't even want to know because his knowing might mean he might want to get involved in all the wrong ways. file for custody just because he hated her guts and didn't want her happy? with child. no. she didn't want to know. best thing for her. best thing for the baby. move on and get with a good kind of guy who could really be supportive and fuck the rest. if she couldn't find one of those, i mean, if he wasn't the one either, then hell, she could just raise the kid herself. plenty of women did it. even her friend Donna. she was exhausted with rings under her eyes by now, looking like she aged ten years, but still she was doing it. i guess you gotta let go of yourself, your pride, your vanity, and just be the best mom. she knew she could do that. her modeling career never exactly took off and she hated the industry. all the scumbags who offered photoshoots then never paid what they promised they would. demanding the negatives and getting the run around, or worse, being called a bitch a thousand times for asking. fuck all that. she was gonna focus on being the best. #katyamills
in the eye of a hurricane
where all is eerily calm and tenuous
all the linens blown off the line
and nothin is the same as was
it is here gazing up at the impossible blue
of the impossible sky
one can dream
#katyamills
if i find myself captured by a mood
i think of your sister with you
mixing oils to capture the red
of her hair
in her bed softly resting
the tuberculin stare
wondering how god could
forsake us
#katyamills
this place got it all
there's nothing here
no technology
we come here stripped down
we can hardly take it
we don't wanna live
this place got it all
no longer charmed out of reality
we see things plainly
this place got it all
like running thirsty
toward a mirage
#katyamills
solitary
censored
the sun kept a great distance from everyone it influenced
to do its proper work
the moon
she wouldn't damage your retina
mark her with flags
claim her
you who are owned
by the sun
#katyamills
#katyamills
the sun was burning things
no one could stop it
the sun was trying to reach us
to touch us
the sun wanted to be known
to communicate
to be felt deeply
to be seen the sun was
just like us
just like us
#katyamills
i was overthinking again
ideas spillin out my head like a fountain
makin some rainbow mist
a little kid appeared on the sidewalk
started collecting the residue
grasping it weighing it
galloping away on it like some strange
new toy
#katyamills
in his hats and boots and
watch with chain at 5:24
not a minute more he
turned decisively to his work
so not to die
of broken heart pain
forever seeing her vanish
in the rain
#katyamills
they push the cannons out
the royal arms. the faces
rushing past an endless queue
farewell the queen farewell
blush streaked with tears
children tugging to go home
starving and sleepless
all along high fences
with spears
#katyamills
they could not speak
they wanted to be alone
they got the lit end of it
issued through the tissue
and it hurt but the pain
was good for it equalled
how they felt inside
this is the beginning
they told themselves
all i need is the truth
i can manage the rest
#katyamills
in need of nutrients
having embarked cold and thirsty upon the land
with a curious beating heart she
dislodged her diary and misted its pages
with secret emotions sketching
rough thoughts and plans
then. full of rebellion
dashed them
#katyamills
in a home near to falling
into the sea
living on oysters and powdered foods
the unwanted wanted
to be wanted
when the sea
finally took them out
they got their
wish
#katyamills
#katyamills
#katyamills
the strings the smoke the horns
she was kissing him all along the face
the many many foamy glasses
raindrops striking the storefront
windows ...
the first days of fall
the lips would remember it all
#katyamills
they turned the stereo off
stepped into the internal world with its rhythms
befriended the voices and made pacts
with adversaries
#katyamills
they would not chase
all those beautiful dangerous thoughts
into the corral
some say they lacked
managerial grit
but it was something else
they loved to watch the damn things
run free
#katyamills
walking away
broken bottles in the lot
hearts a little heavy
i know this place wasn't nothing
without you
the dreams we conjured
when we doubled down
and won
oh to get away from the world
dying together
when the pill dropped
on red
i would happily die
a thousand times
by your side
#katyamills
the ends of our sentences
anchored with question marks
the cat raiding the panty drawer
the plant trembles above the root
every time the two of us together
after the hundred days of
dispute
#katyamills
they ask me how
i write. i may i might
tell them. or not
i establish rules then
in light of the risen sun
they lie broken
at my blood red
toenails
#katyamills
hunted on the hills
san francisco
hunted under the el tracks
lake street. chicago
hunted by the exes
by childhood
living in the shadows
of my memories
god gave me the spirit
i could not summon
on my own
to withstand
anything
#katyamills
they awoke to the shaking weight
of a bakery truck driving by
they awoke and knew not how they got there
they awoke to the sun and a heavy fog behind the eyes
an aroma of fresh baguettes
the underbelly of a palm tree
#katyamills
on the margins of a world whose
messaging often implores me
to believe i have no place here
i live in affirmations like you're okay
you haven't done anything you have
the right to exist!
#katyamills
you know a life was lived
when you cannot say
the book was better than
the real thing
#katyamills
Ukraine being bombed to hell
China painting Hong Kong red
no one in the world can stop it
now the queen is dead
#katyamills
hit all the keys
leave the blemishes in
let go of perfection. exhale
let them write us off
a rock in the shoe
a distraction... let it be
they deflate while we
rise
#katyamills
Sacramento broke its all-time heat record
i was feeling dead tired running central air relentlessly i
got my prescription filled. leaned in on the paper
writing forms bringing something to life
#katyamills
we run on sentences
sunshine coffee and rain
we stand out in a world
run on credit and oil
and war
#katyamills
we all got a hundred problems
and i got mine. zombie on the road
coffee seeking missiles capped with warhead aches
too early for the sun and so
we exist in darkness
#katyamills
they pick up the morning paper
take the morning pills they watch
the markets fall and rise like
fortune and loves from long ago
it's these memories lodged in the spine
can give them dynamite chills
#katyamills
we caught our breath in an army
navy store after running three blocks
you held a pocket knife
under my neck. gimme all you got
my face turned red and hot
i dropped an elbow in your gut you
were my best friend
#katyamills
watching the many screens
killing the endless hours and
they say there's a heart in your chest
i don't remember and they say
there's thoughts in your skull
i don't know. but it's better
to be numb than feel
#katyamills
immortal again our spirits ascended
having circled the drain for years inside the human body
had we only remembered the future
we would have long ago wished
we were dead
#katyamills
they wanted us dead
like an error in some brittle code
we could crash the system
and the system wasn't nothing
without us
#katyamills
my brother made a family
to keep the lineage alive while i
produced only a masterpiece
literary in nature to mark
these times
#katyamills
in the fields they look like deformed volleyballs
paper lanterns in the trees
why retire? the old man said
keep working. eighty can feel like fifty
paper gray wasp nests
manufactured under the eaves
#katyamills
i drank the sugar water out
the bottom of a snow
cone took a tumble in the forest
jumped a '78 Silverado for some men
gathering cedar wood for the winter
you cannot fake happiness why
would you?
#katyamills
base camp
cool dead quiet before dawn
jumps into packs tied down
sheets spikes knots
and clothes
a thousand eggs for breakfast
a hundred cups tapped off
the coffee urn
radios full of feedback
my love my love the dreamers
swoon
above the swirling winds
howl around a hidden
peak
#katyamills
the things that keep me up at night
cats on catnip and cars on petrol
kids lighting explosives in the alley
no longer bother me. you could say they
save me from my subconscious
#katyamills
the scouts covered alot of ground
in the 45 hours i was away
formed a line along the baseboards
dove into gaps in the caulking
yet they would not find the
sugar
#katyamills
your son taught you how
to take a photo remotely
by your watch. we made a totem pole with our heads
the phone banded to a dogwood sapling
inland from a rocky
beach
they called off the search
a month later. all they found were our belongings
circling a carved trunk of cedar
now hollowed into a home
for squirrels
#katyamills
life in all its sprawling nonsense
and sincerity one moment full of the awful
and thoughtless the next colored by some
remarkable act of selfless ascension
#katyamills
there was a way. you could not go to bed a moment after nine. you could listen to the BBC and lie there between sleep and consciousness, or actually fall asleep. you could not get up a moment before five. you had to care for the animals before yourself. stretch the body and mind. you could say a prayer if you believed in gods or try to get your true feelings out. then a cold and hot shower for to see both sides of life. some boiled oats with sugar and coffee. there was no other way and the rules they kinda made themselves. #katyamills
how do you tell a story
when half your thoughts are liars?
swipe them away and
tell the truth
#katyamills
sunday morning
jazz club
Tampa Bay. 1997
struck by a social chord they
got the beat back
having failed to prosper
in willful self
isolation
#katyamills
they had a change of heart
subsumed by the weight of evidence
magnified by a fire sky
if you're gonna do a 180
may as well make the wheels
sing
#katyamills
the dreams wanted me
dead or alive. i blasted my way out
at 4am. now it's midnight
i'm fighting sleep again
another rockstar another
bang
#katyamills
a bar fight
a skull fracture
no one knows who did it
deep in the forest
far away
a lonely dog
calls out
#katyamills
god is an artist
the commission has no deadline
drawing us in
and out
brushing over us all
with fresh
oils
#katyamills
as a kid in Germany
he tangled with hitler youth
in 1938 got out alive
enlisted in WWII with the Allies
got a gold star tracking down gestapo in his homeland
went on a sociopolitical
lean. advisor to every US administration imaginable!
2022 kicks back in New England
working on a century
recorded by the
BBC
#katyamills
on the first of august
he contemplated murder and suicide
she was with another man now
he picked up the brushes
instead of the rifle. drew some clingy
vines over a fence. they was
only thoughts
#katyamills
all two and twenty years
i wanna be a social worker she said
scribbling down our orders
i came from a broken home
her blue-grey eyes hard yet
softened by hundred stacks
of pancakes
#katyamills
thoughts. sift through them for the ones will give you strength to face another day. the venom from traumas is pure and lethal. 😵 when dizzy you can sometimes dance but not always
get up and say a prayer. drag these 50 year bones to the kitchen. pull the bag of beans out of the freezer and and grind them by hand while the tea kettle fires water to a boil. memories begin to percolate in my styled bed head. the whistle. the first splash into the ceramic cone lined with filter is to let her bloom over the mason jar. the thoughts are beginning to breathe. images of new england and chicago and the road between them. clockwise over the grounds and feelings are bubbling up now. long slow exhalations. it's between four thirty and five. the frothy brown liquid is ready. deep blue yosemite mug. pull my hood over my head, open the sliding glass door and walk out into the dawn. i have to leave the past behind or it will kill me. just listen to the morning birds. just watch the sky fill with light. #katyamills
a great rain gave the land muscle
you could see it
squeezed into the grapes
on the vines braided tight across the land
the sun made the bodies tearful
green rind rockers
a memory of watermelon
an artillery of seeds
shot out of the mouths of
boys
#katyamills
all this stuff won't be useful
to you he says. not after you're dead and gone
i saw through and hung on tight
his aim clearly to separate
me from it. for i was young and nowhere
near the after life
#katyamills
the vision idled
distraction stuck a knife in us
the vision watched us like house plants
rooted in the here and now
needing to be
watered
#katyamills
when the young man passed away
friends of his who were also homeless called out to her
over the garden wall
she penned a tribute
describing how he helped her with the weeding
but mostly of his kind soul
she traveled to the small town in the Delta
carrying a hundred copies
to pay respects
#katyamills
the saddest day
gave way
when the cat came home
to elation
got off work early
watched birds by binocular
tacos and coke
we made love
fell asleep to maurice ravel
nine inch nails and
the smiths
#katyamills
they mixed drinks in the valley
with the plump hanging pears pulled from orchards
hemmed in by vineyards
a sweet exhaustion set in
the sun usurped the sky and lit the
golden fields
#katyamills
i like to pick up on cadences
language rolling off the tongue
a writer's job is like mining colloquialisms
off the streets
#katyamills
smoked a whole pack
of cigarettes drank an entire pot
of coffee
whatever it takes to keep still
and write the damn
book
#katyamills
whistling and searching
they got they arm cut up and belly slashed
that's how the cat
tells you he's not coming
home
#katyamills
i was one milk tea short of a spectacular day
when you told me you were at your breaking point
the beneficiary of your former friend's rage
i doubled up my order adjusted my coordinates
and found you #katyamills
images from space
made all my big problems
small. now i can do whatever
my heart calls out
for
#katyamills
i believe god can only be felt not
touched, heard, seen, gendered or named
and the way you feel god's energy
alternating creative and destructive
is by faith
#katyamills
the landlady gathered up the law, some paper and lies, tied them together like a bundle of black flowers then sprung upon them. the RDA of stress doubled. one morning they heard her walking up the hall toward them in the little room. they pulled their favorite jeans like second skin up and over the kneecaps. they squinted and came up on their toes. perked up their senses as best they could. out of the fires of passion and creation comes frequent destruction. to dissipate the pain they endured by painstaking measures to avoid scrutiny, they smoked some weed. capillary action in the eye. you better get out of here, she shouted through the door. you and your cat. you cannot stay! #katyamills
it started so well. a cool morning after a hot day in the valley. my love came to see me and we read the newspaper together on the balcony. like any couple on any sunday morning going back a hundred years. the prime minister of Japan had been assassinated. i went to prepare coffee and discovered one of the cats was missing. somehow the front door had been left open. my heart sank. we searched and searched. i called and whistled and called before falling into an emotional flatland. i went online to distract myself from the shock. one of my old friends whom i survived addiction with - initials DC - had been homeless on the streets for many months now. farewell to a peaceful sunday. #katyamills
1898. Vienna
the great composer Mahler upon the stage
inhabiting the many forms...
a bull fighter. a teacher giving
lessons. a thief backing away
a thinker. a man lost in cups
a sorcerer aligning the stars
an emotion laid bare by
the sun
#katyamills
in the House of Lords
we watched you hold court past the point of despair
your ministers deserting their posts
the podium propping you up like a stand
falling on your sword between general elections
night falls. the people cannot save you
somewhere in Kyiv Zelensky picks up a burner
to offer kind words and
help you rest #katyamills
to stop in yourself
the madness of the world
online and off
find what you stand for
tolerate disagreements
be properly outraged
and mostly passionate
able to voice what you care about
and why
#katyamills
they parade after a feeling
like they are saving unborn children
they drive for days in need of a fix
they take hormones and kill pills
so no unwanted creature roams the earth
what's right is not a destination you
can pinpoint on a map
it's a sonata
with countless variations
#katyamills
strapped into your cousin's 1966 Shelby Cobra
we rumbled charged and fishtailed up winding roads lined with sagebrush
to a haunted old town built into the side of the mountain
they had stepped off the sidewalks and walked the streets
a believer, you thrust the stick forward
redlined and smoked them all. terrified turning round i saw them
wave like lurching. untouched
beneath tall and solitary 19th century brick homes
and i knew #katyamills
strange living in the years before singularity
technology made things very comfortable
and AI had it out for us
she placed you in the least expected most compromised of positions
she tossed back another cosmopolitan she
exposed you for a charlatan
in the temple of the spirit
#katyamills
under a frothy sky of foam
we were going round and round
these arguments long lost sense
breath of life what i would take
and give. a moment just to live
#katyamills
in the cool Nevada mornings
hiding beneath sagebrush scattering left and right
the quail shriek and travel in pairs
you can observe their cousins at the casino in Boomtown
who exhibit the same behavior upon striking
a Keno jackpot
#katyamills
the winds across the plains
waged war against the fences
the quail shrieked
the fences fell into the dust
the horses the tumbleweed
steamed off toward mountain
streams
#katyamills
in Nevada the horses roam wild
early morning in search of food
having found where the fences leave off
they come up to greet you in this dry and
barren land
#katyamills
instead of going round and around
crowding light and making shade
behind impoverished excuses
like i don't like confrontation
we might revive the dying art
of listening without distraction
speaking respectfully
creating space for acceptance
if not downright mutuality
#katyamills
#katyamills
our breakfast joint kicked us out. covid rules. paper cups and bags to go
so we sat down in the lot unwrapped our sandwiches and ate
a honda with a coffee slut bumper sticker was running up on the curb
you got up and helped her park. she thanked you by standing there
spouting how ukrainians are all nazis and vaccines give us covid
her toenails bright ugly orange over my pastrami bagel
the best thing about being on the street is you're not a captive
audience #katyamills
i bought a glue gun
spread the pieces out on the coffee table to connect them
the traumas they ruptured my memories
then walking around town the questions were flying
where did you get such a lovely coat? how much did it cost?
trust me it's more than you are willing
to pay
#katyamills
working i made barely enough money
to pay off the service repairs the utilities
groceries petrol clothes hair and nails
taxes insurance credit and mortgage
license registration renewals...
with what remained i
bought and gave away
books
#katyamills
they was raised super competitive
like - kill kill kill!
the rare times they won a contest they
didn't really know how to feel
deep down they wondered
why cannot we all be cherished?
#katyamills
they was obsessed and careless
and reckless. then it was over
they put a decided stop they
found a heart for living right
the long heavy shadows
blended. telling stories
in quick short bursts. loving the ones
who ought
#katyamills
the sun crossed the sky
everyone was amazed
reminded her of her ex
didn't do a damn thing
and got all the credit
#katyamills
we pushed past cobwebs
got her tires up. compressor plugged into the cig lighter
her battery would take some time to charge
so we all sat around together waiting on this old model ford
the old man pronounced the virtues of a burro over a horse
when traversing mountainous country
how to get pure drinking water by digging a hole beside a river
how the best place to hide
when running from somebody
is the cemetery
#katyamills
we got lucky sevens in the valley
sodas with paper straws we
took our summer with everything on it
the cars no longer sound like cars
the lakes are low the rivers
high and we. for once we are
happy #katyamills
contractors pull up in trucks
on a summer morning
one holds the door for me
at the café
i remember a boy inside a shirt
a field of Ranunculus
holds one to my chin and declares
you like butter
#katyamills
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
fact. you don't have to
smoke the tires off your cars
to be happy. but some do
and some are #katyamills
as you fall in love you may find
less time for your friends who
may wanna kill you for it so
be sure to bring them flowers
from time to time if you hope
to stay alive #katyamills
they painted one another's nails
the colors of the flag
and while doing so they
talked about the war and drank english tea
and wondered when the men
were coming home
#katyamills
you took my hand you
pulled me forward against the same old stories
surrounding us
they would always be made up
whereas we are
true
#katyamills
the mortgage was due
the phone the electric and credit cards
the mercury rising we hit the store early
for milk and eggs and the happy baguette
i heard a song in the store and started singing
along. a memory slipped away like a seal
off the pier deep into
the bay
#katyamills
my cat waits on the balcony. all night he waits. in the mornings he waits. scanning the sky. swishing his tail. one day all of this intense focus and patience will end with a bird. in mouth.
#katyamills
we met you randomly on the banks
where the river was churning in a
hydroelectric power play
you told us your troubles with the law.
the domestics. the time you did
how you're not a bad guy
if they weren't lying and cheating
then... then what? then you wouldn't have
beat them? we wanted to toss you
in the river to help you wake up
but we weren't strong enough
to lift you #katyamills
we drove north for hours. spotting birds by their wing marks. coming up with names for bands. stopped at Granzella's for local olives stuffed with blue cheese and jalapenos. we played our first gig as Consistency of Jelly. we bit down on pit fragments to give our teeth that i fought the law look punk bands have. it was a righteous way to kick off Pride. #katyamills
Redding, California
view from a second story window into a tangled semi-wild space surrounded by the Shasta-Trinity mountains. a choreographed movement. the shadows. from the trees. under the morning sun. superimposed on the earth.
#katyamills
a camaro pulled up next to my vw gti on the freeway like they wanted to race. i turned my head to look but the windows were tinted. i'm probably twice the kid's age, i thought. they pulled away and you could hear the engine. i appreciate the offer. i rarely drive dangerous anymore but i did when i was a kid. i played my music loud and got amped up. this car i got now, she hits a hundred quick, just by stepping on the gas. i'm older now and i prefer cruising. but i like how she responds. will get me out of any trouble i might be in. i don't drive much anymore. i don't wanna go hungry. yesterday, thirteen gallons cost me just shy of a hundred bucks. right here in california.
#katyamills
what you went through when you went through hell
and lived to tell. by your living force by your spirit by your kindness
they will know
#katyamills
America today feels like the same old bedrock of world power we've maintained since the first world war. a hundred years old. in her shadow she feels like fury and sound under an amphetamine sky. stout moral fortitude condensed into some lone wolf capital minded lobbyist fighting a tide of rising interest rates and people who care about something other than money. amortized forms trapped within a threadbare atmosphere. thinning arguments floated to buy time to solve the latest imperial conundrum. underclothes made of petrol product as we pitch our protests high against fossil fuels... wondering how can we unpack it... formulaic disobedience left unpunished to our dismay. we come home to blackened soot of unbecomings, where before was pastoral beauty. our unified material focused attention on one bloodbath after another through the news feed and sound byte of choice. amusement park of adrenal cells worked out again on the unoxygenated dashboard. we hold together somehow. like polar ice drifting toward the equator. maybe it's hope. #katyamills
when on holiday sometimes
it's like i forgot who i am
after all the weeks and months of work
sometimes you need to talk
or coax yourself out
then appear like a
stranger
#katyamills
what the fuck was i gonna do?
you were suffering from the long virus
listen to you and hope with you
that insurance will wake up and pay
for your meds
#katyamills
saturday.
i pushed for an oily cup of joe to loosen my structural bolts
swam out and caught a monster wave
#katyamills
they nod off in class
walking the pencil lead down the line
grounded at the margins
this is a brand of resistance in an autocracy
falling asleep
they cannot control what you dream
#katyamills
in the thirty-ninth year on earth the uncon appeared and became conscious. a new formidable player in my life. uninvited. she had to be held up at the gate, a credentials check was imperative. this puppy has some torque to her, i thought, my adrenaline rising at the sight of her. she might turn over the apple cart (the stomach the sole beneficiary). i made a quick decision and i killed her - with kindness. i could no longer survive being conned. #katyamills
you don't call. you text. don't ever call first or you may be banned or cancelled. if it's an emergency call 911. you can text emojis to convey your feelings. some emojis may have different meaning depending on your generation (x, y, z) marker. if you call you don't exist. and remember: no one will ever listen to your voicemail. strategy to survive: take nothing personal.
#katyamills
delivering packages on a bike
i am pumping legs
exhaust through my nostrils
the city a living breathing monster
the cars are out to kill us
flat on my back
staring up between skyscrapers
blood trickling down the side of my mouth
i am no longer finite i am
a strange peace
#katyamills
the news of the world became more and more a venom
administered into the vein by the cell phone
#katyamills
a tractor rolls
slow across a dusty canyon
a cowboy perched atop a full blooded bull
waves his hat
the mountains splash shade
southwest of Bakersfield
the sun will rise there
from the east
forever
#katyamills
i have this aching in my bones. but it's ok. summer is about to strike. the sun the source of energy. i love this feeling. i know this feeling. i'm at the edge of a jagged cliff. preparing for a deep dive... into a book.
#katyamills
they came up with creative ways to describe what they were doing and what they wanted and how to get it...
belushi
rolling up the window
bang bang girl
#katyamills
we went on a walk. the clouds were trying to hem in the sky. a man played tug of war with a pitbull. we talked about society and how people find one another through attributes they lack. ten baby geese waddling to the pond. connections can help you get ahead but what's ahead? is it money? visibility? business? fame? all of that and an insatiable sense of loneliness. #katyamills
distant fireworks and a full moon
overnight i lost my mind and
fell in love
#katyamills
through the years they lost everything they ever loved or had. the relationship with language endured this troublesome time. to a point of speaking somewhat in tongues
#katyamills
blue periods long
after writing
blue periods before
writing
blue periods when
unable to locate
the words
#katyamills
we jumped up and down hollering
they came from 15 horses behind and
charged ahead to win
the odds were the worst but we
took them. by the tears in your eyes
i knew: you carried long odds and i
carried them too
#katyamills
historically having had
a rather severe allergic reaction upon contact they
reached out to their mother annually
by the root end of a fiery
orchid
#katyamills
i got in about 3 words for all
yours i know you tryin to connect
so no love lost. i will resist speaking over you
4 only so long then. becomes. please
shut the fuck up
#katyamills
a kinship formed during our time of hardship. grieving those we lost. each day precipitated new possibility. conscious expansion tumbled over the land from stream to river and out into ocean and full light spectrum. we anticipated our time together joyfully.
#katyamills
seeing the vision in the Ukrainians
the volunteers the photojournalists
hope is restored. a country fights
for the values by which it came to exist!
that's sacred. still. it's war and
hope is also decimated
#katyamills
there's a special home in hell
for the critic who tears an artist to shreds
there's a in-law unit on the same property
for those who promote book banning
suppression and censorship
#katyamills
what with his fancy suits and rolodex he
brought all kinds of business to the firm and great parties
and for that he was appreciated in NYC
yet nobody knew how he truly felt about anything
and the only evidence he had he belonged
was a pulse
#katyamills
walking in a meadow in spring
better than any experience society could have thought up
and charged for
#katyamills
due to the cost of living
we cannot afford funerals
so whatever you do
don't die
#katyamills
the kid at dutch bros this morning handed me my annihilator with light ice. i asked: how are you? i had a dream last night, he said. i was back in high school, late for a physics exam on chapter 5, and my ride fell through. i offered him a quick interpretation of the dream. i hate you! he said, i don't want to know anything about myself!
#katyamills