the night before

i cherished it and then it was gone. the night followed. incomplete darkness and incomplete silence. this is Vegas after all. a jagged line of colorful sunrise follows the distant mountain peaks. the changes in the quality of light draws me in. up on the 23rd floor looking down. i have hope edged with anxious thoughts which cannot be controlled. the man who loves me sleeps into daylight. i walk the hotel casino lobby with coffee to swallow medication. song fragments enter my head and exit my lips. working against the grain of the stabbing pain of a hateful mother who told my brother i have gone to the devil. i am not even religious and it’s not even true. it’s a sad way life went with us. we were once so close. i am trying to get by without being upset with her. we went to a comedy show last night and laughed and laughed and laughed. seeing you happy is a thrill. we lost one another on the strip for a couple of hours and it almost broke my heart. we made love after a ten hour drive into the desert. the fountains do a synchronized dance before blasting thirty feet into the air. she is characterologically incapable of being kind once she has made up her mind on someone. my brother is getting it now. i want to help him because i know how it feels to be discarded. we are going to walk to what used to be the International Hotel. this city swallowed Elvis up. i suppose he could be accused of going to the devil, too. but he brought joy into so many people’s hearts. there is no single narrative that defines you. the lines are always jagged. backlit by fresh sunsets and rises. the life can be really good if you let it!

 – Katya Mills. 12.24.24